Does God exist?

This is a question I often ask myself. I wonder. Because frankly I want to believe. I want to believe with that wholehearted faith others have...that unwavering conviction. I want to believe it is not just something someone made up to make up feel better about dying and about the bad things that happen and to give us a feeling of being taken care of. I want to believe.

And yet I look to the church and find nothing. I find rules, I find closemindedness, I find lots of nuns living seemingly comforable lives and lots of priests "seemingly" doing gods work by giving services, and sacraments.....I see families that have 17 children because they don´t believe in birth control and praise the lord! Hmm.

I don´t find God here.

But without meaning to, I did find god. And I did not find him in a church, in a priest , in an organization.

I found him in people.

And if this is not God, then whatever it is.............. it outdoes him.

I found God in people like Katie Davis, who at 21 yrs old runs a organziaiotn that help, feeds and takes care of the people of Uganda....How many of us can say at 20 (or even 25) we had the mindset and the will and the selfessness to do what she has done?

There´s God.

I found God in Susanna, who 15 mos. after having her delightful bundle of Joy, Verity, born with Down syndrome, decided to adopt another child with special needs from the eastern block. Katerina was so neglected , so undernourished when she arrived home, she had to be put directly into the hospital...this child had not known any love from birth, has lain in a crib staring at the ceiling for years.....And yet if you saw the amazing difference the month she has been home with Susannas family has made....What one month of love and care and food could do..... It is amazing...it is a miracle.

There´s God.

and on it goes...people who do extraordinary things...because they are called.....they say they are called by God. Its funny but MOST of them say that.

Surely God must exist if he can make these ordinary people perform and do such extraordinary things.

So I have decided God does exist. Not in a church, not in a statue, not in a sacrament. He exists in our hearts , on our minds and maybe somewhere else......and he picks a chosen few to do these things that wow the rest of us.

Call it a midlife crisis, but for years now I have felt I want to be chosen to do something extraordinary. And yet I guess I am not. Why? Cuz I put out all the normal excuses....I can´t, its not the time....I feel unsupported....the cop outs....and yet there is a small bit inside of me that is just a spark, but it is there.....saying you could do it if you really wanted to.

Maybe some day I will listen. Maybe some day the God that moved all these others to do such AMAZING things for others.....maybe he´ll knock on my door...cuz I do want to do for others.
I want to change lives.

I should be so lucky to have this priviledge.