Does God exist?

This is a question I often ask myself. I wonder. Because frankly I want to believe. I want to believe with that wholehearted faith others have...that unwavering conviction. I want to believe it is not just something someone made up to make up feel better about dying and about the bad things that happen and to give us a feeling of being taken care of. I want to believe.

And yet I look to the church and find nothing. I find rules, I find closemindedness, I find lots of nuns living seemingly comforable lives and lots of priests "seemingly" doing gods work by giving services, and sacraments.....I see families that have 17 children because they don´t believe in birth control and praise the lord! Hmm.

I don´t find God here.

But without meaning to, I did find god. And I did not find him in a church, in a priest , in an organization.

I found him in people.

And if this is not God, then whatever it is.............. it outdoes him.

I found God in people like Katie Davis, who at 21 yrs old runs a organziaiotn that help, feeds and takes care of the people of Uganda....How many of us can say at 20 (or even 25) we had the mindset and the will and the selfessness to do what she has done?

There´s God.

I found God in Susanna, who 15 mos. after having her delightful bundle of Joy, Verity, born with Down syndrome, decided to adopt another child with special needs from the eastern block. Katerina was so neglected , so undernourished when she arrived home, she had to be put directly into the hospital...this child had not known any love from birth, has lain in a crib staring at the ceiling for years.....And yet if you saw the amazing difference the month she has been home with Susannas family has made....What one month of love and care and food could do..... It is amazing...it is a miracle.

There´s God.

and on it goes...people who do extraordinary things...because they are called.....they say they are called by God. Its funny but MOST of them say that.

Surely God must exist if he can make these ordinary people perform and do such extraordinary things.

So I have decided God does exist. Not in a church, not in a statue, not in a sacrament. He exists in our hearts , on our minds and maybe somewhere else......and he picks a chosen few to do these things that wow the rest of us.

Call it a midlife crisis, but for years now I have felt I want to be chosen to do something extraordinary. And yet I guess I am not. Why? Cuz I put out all the normal excuses....I can´t, its not the time....I feel unsupported....the cop outs....and yet there is a small bit inside of me that is just a spark, but it is there.....saying you could do it if you really wanted to.

Maybe some day I will listen. Maybe some day the God that moved all these others to do such AMAZING things for others.....maybe he´ll knock on my door...cuz I do want to do for others.
I want to change lives.

I should be so lucky to have this priviledge.

"Cuz I said so"

You hated it, didn´t you? When you got that answer as a child? No reason, no explanation...no closure......just a "cuz I said so"....AS IF! As if an adult thinks that is a sufficient answer....as if they think they are...semi god like!

You think "I´ll never say that to MY child...I will explain things, talk things thru.....

And god knows I try and understand my child....talk... explain....explain to them how the world works...

But then you become a parent and realize that what "cuz I said so" is IS how the world SHOULD work between a child and a parent....some of the time...... And you realize that not only is it a super quick way to NOT have to explain things.... it is also a TOOL... A tool that teaches respect, limits.....It teaches kids that they ARE KIDS...NOT adults and thus do not have the same decision making capacity... they DO NOT make the rules...it teaches them to (GASP!) obey! And just til they are old enough to decide for themselves, parents are semi god like...I am part ruler of your world.... there will be things that you can and CAN NOT do...things you CAN NOT have....

Simply....cuz I said so. Period. I am not god..... but right below Her.

I am not saying that parents should be dictators...There ARE reasons for the decisions we make as parents...of course! But do we really have to always explain our actions to kids ALL the time? I do not think so and sometimes I just don´t want to......I want her to just do what I say, or accept what I want without asking me every reason why, and analyze if its fair, if its not..I do enough of that in the adult world...its NOT something that needs to take place constantly with my children...

I was never much of a "Cuz I said so" parent, I admit......Til my 1st daughter turned about 8 yrs old and started questioning things, I tried to be "her friend" and her mother (ha ha) ...But then she "got smart"...started questioning my actions...my "demands"....I began to notice that she would sometimes demand things as if she was on my level...or would question my requests......And I began to think of all the rules my Dad had when I was young and how unfair they often were at the time to me ....but now make me realize that they were so much more then just rules.....

And that is how I found myself one evening arguing with my 8 yr old about "who" got to see "what" on TV...It had been a long day, I was ready to have a "calgon moment" with "Grey´s Anatomy"...and here I found myself fighting over a TV remote with an 8 yr old....A scenario that would have NEVER EVER taken place in my house as a child cuz it was a known fact that the adults got to watch what they wanted over any wishes of us measly lil kids...we would never EVER even dream to take the remote from my Dad and demand to see "Love Boat" if he wanted to see "Starsky and Hutch"........You just DID NOT do that.

But my 8 yr old had "rights"..she obviously felt she had to right to see "Witches of Waverly Place" at 9 p.m. over anything I wanted to see.....she said "You got to watch your TV last night!"...."Its my turn!"

And it hit me....she thinks I am 8....she doesn´t consider me a semi god...she thinks she has....GASP...my same rights!

And right then I decided....right there .....and I told her...."Yes, I watched my TV show last night.....and I will watch it EVERY NIGHT I WANT.....I do NOT take turns with an 8 yr old....when you are old enough and have your house and your TV that YOU worked for, you can watch your TV show every single night...but til then, This is MY house, and I will watch whatever I want WHEN I want ".

She looked at me with big surprised eyes and said "Thats not fair!" ....and I said "Oh yes, it is...cuz I AM THE ADULT and YOU are the child....and THAT is the way the world works".

She is now 10..I still have to remind her once in a while...its a work in progress.....But now sometimes, just cuz I want to, just cuz I feel like it...just cuz I stand behind MY right as an adult to be in charge, to demand respect, and above all to TEACH.....

I say "Cuz I said so".

On a side note, from this obscure blog no one reads I am sure since I hardly ever write in it (though I can ASSURE you I am constantly making up blog posts in my head that never actually reach the computer), I´d like to thank my own parents....Thanks for the slipper, the foot tap , the evil eye, the whistle, making me bring you the sunday paper to your bed and "the day is over"...it did not seem all fair and I am not repeating all of it with my kids.....but the essence of "Cuz I said so" is there.... as a parent I understand that now.

And as kids we hate it....But as adults, as parents.... we realize.....discipline is important.... and is a form of love.