Does God exist?

This is a question I often ask myself. I wonder. Because frankly I want to believe. I want to believe with that wholehearted faith others have...that unwavering conviction. I want to believe it is not just something someone made up to make up feel better about dying and about the bad things that happen and to give us a feeling of being taken care of. I want to believe.

And yet I look to the church and find nothing. I find rules, I find closemindedness, I find lots of nuns living seemingly comforable lives and lots of priests "seemingly" doing gods work by giving services, and sacraments.....I see families that have 17 children because they don´t believe in birth control and praise the lord! Hmm.

I don´t find God here.

But without meaning to, I did find god. And I did not find him in a church, in a priest , in an organization.

I found him in people.

And if this is not God, then whatever it is.............. it outdoes him.

I found God in people like Katie Davis, who at 21 yrs old runs a organziaiotn that help, feeds and takes care of the people of Uganda....How many of us can say at 20 (or even 25) we had the mindset and the will and the selfessness to do what she has done?

There´s God.

I found God in Susanna, who 15 mos. after having her delightful bundle of Joy, Verity, born with Down syndrome, decided to adopt another child with special needs from the eastern block. Katerina was so neglected , so undernourished when she arrived home, she had to be put directly into the hospital...this child had not known any love from birth, has lain in a crib staring at the ceiling for years.....And yet if you saw the amazing difference the month she has been home with Susannas family has made....What one month of love and care and food could do..... It is amazing...it is a miracle.

There´s God.

and on it goes...people who do extraordinary things...because they are called.....they say they are called by God. Its funny but MOST of them say that.

Surely God must exist if he can make these ordinary people perform and do such extraordinary things.

So I have decided God does exist. Not in a church, not in a statue, not in a sacrament. He exists in our hearts , on our minds and maybe somewhere else......and he picks a chosen few to do these things that wow the rest of us.

Call it a midlife crisis, but for years now I have felt I want to be chosen to do something extraordinary. And yet I guess I am not. Why? Cuz I put out all the normal excuses....I can´t, its not the time....I feel unsupported....the cop outs....and yet there is a small bit inside of me that is just a spark, but it is there.....saying you could do it if you really wanted to.

Maybe some day I will listen. Maybe some day the God that moved all these others to do such AMAZING things for others.....maybe he´ll knock on my door...cuz I do want to do for others.
I want to change lives.

I should be so lucky to have this priviledge.

"Cuz I said so"

You hated it, didn´t you? When you got that answer as a child? No reason, no explanation...no closure......just a "cuz I said so"....AS IF! As if an adult thinks that is a sufficient answer....as if they think they are...semi god like!

You think "I´ll never say that to MY child...I will explain things, talk things thru.....

And god knows I try and understand my child....talk... explain....explain to them how the world works...

But then you become a parent and realize that what "cuz I said so" is IS how the world SHOULD work between a child and a parent....some of the time...... And you realize that not only is it a super quick way to NOT have to explain things.... it is also a TOOL... A tool that teaches respect, limits.....It teaches kids that they ARE KIDS...NOT adults and thus do not have the same decision making capacity... they DO NOT make the rules...it teaches them to (GASP!) obey! And just til they are old enough to decide for themselves, parents are semi god like...I am part ruler of your world.... there will be things that you can and CAN NOT do...things you CAN NOT have....

Simply....cuz I said so. Period. I am not god..... but right below Her.

I am not saying that parents should be dictators...There ARE reasons for the decisions we make as parents...of course! But do we really have to always explain our actions to kids ALL the time? I do not think so and sometimes I just don´t want to......I want her to just do what I say, or accept what I want without asking me every reason why, and analyze if its fair, if its not..I do enough of that in the adult world...its NOT something that needs to take place constantly with my children...

I was never much of a "Cuz I said so" parent, I admit......Til my 1st daughter turned about 8 yrs old and started questioning things, I tried to be "her friend" and her mother (ha ha) ...But then she "got smart"...started questioning my actions...my "demands"....I began to notice that she would sometimes demand things as if she was on my level...or would question my requests......And I began to think of all the rules my Dad had when I was young and how unfair they often were at the time to me ....but now make me realize that they were so much more then just rules.....

And that is how I found myself one evening arguing with my 8 yr old about "who" got to see "what" on TV...It had been a long day, I was ready to have a "calgon moment" with "Grey´s Anatomy"...and here I found myself fighting over a TV remote with an 8 yr old....A scenario that would have NEVER EVER taken place in my house as a child cuz it was a known fact that the adults got to watch what they wanted over any wishes of us measly lil kids...we would never EVER even dream to take the remote from my Dad and demand to see "Love Boat" if he wanted to see "Starsky and Hutch"........You just DID NOT do that.

But my 8 yr old had "rights"..she obviously felt she had to right to see "Witches of Waverly Place" at 9 p.m. over anything I wanted to see.....she said "You got to watch your TV last night!"...."Its my turn!"

And it hit me....she thinks I am 8....she doesn´t consider me a semi god...she thinks she has....GASP...my same rights!

And right then I decided....right there .....and I told her...."Yes, I watched my TV show last night.....and I will watch it EVERY NIGHT I WANT.....I do NOT take turns with an 8 yr old....when you are old enough and have your house and your TV that YOU worked for, you can watch your TV show every single night...but til then, This is MY house, and I will watch whatever I want WHEN I want ".

She looked at me with big surprised eyes and said "Thats not fair!" ....and I said "Oh yes, it is...cuz I AM THE ADULT and YOU are the child....and THAT is the way the world works".

She is now 10..I still have to remind her once in a while...its a work in progress.....But now sometimes, just cuz I want to, just cuz I feel like it...just cuz I stand behind MY right as an adult to be in charge, to demand respect, and above all to TEACH.....

I say "Cuz I said so".

On a side note, from this obscure blog no one reads I am sure since I hardly ever write in it (though I can ASSURE you I am constantly making up blog posts in my head that never actually reach the computer), I´d like to thank my own parents....Thanks for the slipper, the foot tap , the evil eye, the whistle, making me bring you the sunday paper to your bed and "the day is over"...it did not seem all fair and I am not repeating all of it with my kids.....but the essence of "Cuz I said so" is there.... as a parent I understand that now.

And as kids we hate it....But as adults, as parents.... we realize.....discipline is important.... and is a form of love.

A New Level of Mind Boggling Literature.

We all know those books – the non-put-down-able, addicting, totally mind gripping ones…the ones you stop watching your favorite TV series to read more of …the ones that make you begín to avoid your household duties ( let them have pizza for dinner!) and some of us may even skip basic hygiene (If I don´t shower I can read 15 more minutes!)….

We´ve all read them. We all have our list.

But did you know that there is a whole other LEVEL of mind boggling literature?? Yes Yes!…Above what any of us have previously experienced? These books are only for a chosen few…They are hard to find … but I have one of those books located…oh yes I do…I know exactly where to find it.

Let me explain.

I take the metro (subway) everyday to work. I am 4 stops from my home to my job. Really not enough time to do anything except stare ahead and look thoughtful.

OR so I thought.

Everyday after I get on the metro at my stop, the same woman gets on at the next stop….. The metro is usually crowded at 8 a.m. so it rare to get a seat. We all must hang on to the poles and try and not invade anyone´s personal space which is imposible. I have rubbed up against some men on the metro more then to my own husband. But anyway….

So anyway, this lady gets on. We´ll call her Booklady. Everyday Booklady gets on and grabs her part of a pole and while hanging on with one hand, begins fishing something out of her bag… No small feat considering that the Seville metro is not a smooottthhhh ride……the subway car kinda lurches to a start and then reeves up and then WHHOOOOOSSSHHH, You are off to the races!!!! I personally have seen a old man in a wheelchair go flying down the aisle, aide in tow, cuz she did not put the wheelchair break on in time. Luckily us people on the poles at the end stopped them.

So Booklady is fishing thru her bag, holding on for dear life and you are thinking (if you´ve never seen her) – what could be so important? So essential??…Is her cell phone ringing with an important call even though there is no coverage down in the metro?? Does she have a bugger then needs immediate kleenex attention?….. and then she takes it out. THE BOOK. The Book that is on a new mindboggling level. A Book so ADDICTING, so GOOD, so UNPUTDOWNABLE that she is willing to put her life at stake to read it standing , smooshed between tons of strangers while hanging on to a pole…but here is the catch.

For 2 stops. She gets off after two stops. WHAT BOOK IS SO GOOD YOU CAN NOT STOP READING IT FOR EVEN 2 MINUTES YOU ARE ON THE METRO?

I mean, I can understand the reading on the metro. I can understand people sitting reading the newpaper or a book….Usually these are people who are going long ways, from one end to the other of metro line…and have a SEAT. .But 2 stops? Standing?

What book can be so GOOD you ask? Are you all on the edge of your seats waiting for the title???

Well, sorry, I don´t know it. Cuz ya see, she has one of those nifty leather covers on it. Yip, you know…the ones people give as stocking stuffers or gifts to teachers….. Cuz god forbid you buy one for yourself… cuz then you look like a pervert who reads porno and doesn´t want anyone to know. So when someone says suspicously “Oh what a cute book cover!”, you can say “Oh yeah, my sister got it for me for Christmas!” ….and you are off the pervert hook.

(Come to think of it, I coulda used one of those when my sister send me a book called “Guilty Pleasures” from the Anita Blake Vampire series where blood abounded but sex was in sore lacking…but I spent last summer trying to hide the title after getting some weird looks on the beach.)

So no, I don´t know the title. Sorry to leave anyone reading in suspense. One of these days I might just ask her. If I have time to talk to her in the time it takes the metro to go 2 STOPS. And I haven´t had good pole location to look over her shoulder yet – darn.

I must say she´s got the technique pretty down though. The pole-gripping/reading with one hand technique…and then DING DONG! "Prado de San Sebastián" and she whips that book into her bag and she is out the door…I´m wondering if she takes it out again on the escalator….. In the elevators? I mean its that good a book ….RIGHT?????

P.S. The old man in the wheelchair who flew down the aisle was fine. After his quick trip down metro lane, the aide got control of the wheelchair and was able to put on the break. She and her friend thought the whole thing obviously hilarious cuz they kept looking at each other and laughing hystercially to the point of tears. The poor old man though – he looked like a terrified trapped animal and gripped the side of his wheelchair for the rest of the trip.

Hmmm….HE coulda used that good book to calm down.